Parenthood and the Olympics

Long time no speak! So what's new........ Oh yeah, I'm a parent. That's a small change of pace. What have I learned you ask? You get two reactions when you announce that you are expecting. You get the over optimistic "Oh you'll be the best parents ever. You'll love it, it's all cotton candy and hugs!" or you get the extreme pessimists "You have no idea what you are getting into. You'll never sleep again!". The truth is it's somewhere in the middle.What is it like? The first great revelation happened at the hospital when I realized not only were they going to let me take this baby home, they where going to make me take it home. That's right they were going to make me take this person I just met, and doesn't speak English, home. We spent the whole first week making sure he was breathing because we were pretty sure he was just going to stop. That's the crazy thing as a parent, you fear the irrational! Like the other day. I had to pee but Caden would not let me set him down without screaming. I thought maybe I can hold him and pee. A thought then crossed my mind "what if I drop him in the toilet?". I mean a cell phone is bad enough, but it's not like I can tell Jen "It's ok, we got the insurance on him.".The only time it is acceptable for your baby to end up in the toilet is if you are on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. So here is where I chose to violently derail. I'm watching the Olympics and I realize that I, like most people, know nothing about gymnastics. It's all chaos. The only thing I know, which I feel makes me an expert and fully capable of judging this sport, is if they stick the landing! That's right, the landing. We all know that! I can't tell the amount of twist or flips  or other gymnastics related words, but I can tell you about the landing. Diving is similar in principal with splash being the deciding factor. A pike, to me, is a fish with teeth. I do know what a cannon ball is but I'm pretty sure it goes against the whole splash factor. Here's my pretty bow. Parenting is like gymnastics to me. We have no clue what we are doing most of the time. It can all be confusing and chaos! Just remember this; we are not judged on anything during the routine, we just have to stick the landing (with little splash since I brought up driving). It's the Parenting Olympics or the Parolympics. And no I'm not proud :)!

MAN: Man's Best Friend

The other night I was watching TV. What I was watching is irrelevant, plus I have no idea. I was in that trace where you’re just staring at the large glowing object in front of you. (Derailing after one sentence has to be a record for me) Through my glaring fog I heard “Men are dogs”. I have to admit that is a true statement! Not as in men are scum, but as in men are incapable of taking care of themselves and should not be left alone or they might destroy the couch. You see the truth is we are very loyal to anyone who will feed us and pay attention to us. I am the greatest example of this. I was 26 when I got married and I’m sure you’ve all heard the expression you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Well you can, it’s just much harder. Before I get to deep into this blog there are some things I should tell the first time readers: I give a crap about sentence or paragraph structure. All blogs start with a general topic and go where ever they feel like. I do not do a rough draft! I simply sit down and what comes out comes out. Alright where were we? Ah yes! Should not be left alone, old dog new tricks. You see men have the edge on logic when it comes to emotion; we just don’t logic on our side in many other categories. When I pull a shirt out of the dirty clothes and wear it and Jen confronts me, I have the same look on my face our dog has when I ask him why he got into the garbage. Further more why can’t I figure out that I should wear a clean shirt out and a dirty shirt to paint in. Every woman reading this just said “Amen”. Not enough evidence? Here is a list of the things I thought before I was married:

1) The microwave is for cooking food only! Reheating is The Mans way of keeping food from your mouth for literally 30-40 seconds.
2) Dishes only need be washed when they need to be reused. Unless you deem them "clean enough". Then run water and reuse!
3) Laundry has very similar rules that apply. You are allowed one Febreze and dryer session before it truly needs to washed (pending stains).
4) Vacuum should be run once a month or if a female, who is not your sister, is on her way over.
5) A shower is needed only once every other day, unless sports are involved.
6) I lifted the seat! If that is not good enough I could try to aim through the seat. For all those keeping score Jen will not acknowledge me when I say that. Not once in 9 years.
7) Refrigerator edicate say if it smells good eat it. If it's questionable act as if you just took a bite then say to your buddy “does this taste alright to you?" This allows you to get an opinion without the risk.
8) Yard work is not just a four-letter word. It is two back to back. Ask yourself what would your mother want you to do.
9) Hooter’s sauce is a condiment…..and a dip……..or a marinade!!!!
10) A penny saved means we’re getting pizza tonight.
That’s right ladies men are dogs! And true some dogs can’t be trusted, but that’s more the exception to the rule. While we on the subject most men, like dog, come in breeds. There’s the little yippy dog man that is so insecure he never shuts up and tries to hump your leg all day. There’s the bark is worse than my bite dog man, there’s the lap dog man, there’s the pack dog man, etc……. What amazes me is the lucid thought process of a woman who clearly see’s the “Beware of Dog” sign and thinks “Oh he won’t bite me”. Here is my best advice to women: Find the breed that best suits your needs, be patient and take the time to properly train him, and give him lots of praise. If you do this I promise you will have a companion for life.