It's The End Of The World As We Know It

Here is my bet, most of you are singing that song in your head and realizing that’s the only line you know! How good does it feel to know we survived the big one? Take that Mayan’s! Honestly, if the Mayan’s were so great at predicting things, how did they not see the collapse of their civilization coming? If I was a Mayan and I knew we were going into decline around 800 – 900 AD, and I was in charge, that calendar ends at 950 at best. They were overachievers to go that far into the future, approximately 1200 years. Go out right now and find me a 2014 calendar. I have also heard that it was going to be a plethora of natural disasters or, catch this, a rebirth of sorts, an era of enlightenment. That makes the Mayans sound like a bunch of television psychics. “In your future I see a big event. It’s either really good or really bad.” I guess that does make sense though. Who predicts mundane happenings? For example: “In your future I see… I see…………indifference.”   Plus why has no one, that I have heard, mentioned that the Mayan calendar is strictly a 365 day calendar. That means no leap year accounted for.  We have had approximately 107 leap years so that makes 12-21-12 about 9-5-12. So there you have it doomsday preppers, you were late for your own demise. The Mayans weren’t that great. They didn’t even figure out how awesome daylight savings time is. Who doesn’t want to have their hours jacked with twice a year?

Why do we fall for all this crap? Mayan Calendar excluded because it has been a long running belief or thought or whatever.Weren’t we all supposed to die of acid rain? I remember as a kid hearing everyone on the news freaking out over acid rain. It would eat the paint off cars, cause our entire infrastructure to crumble, and force us all to wear flannel and like grunge music.Was acid rain real? Yes. Was it as big of a deal as it was sold to us? NO! Do I still want to wear a thermal shirt under everything? I don’t want to talk about it. My point is there will always be pandemic or epidemic. Whether it’s SARS, Mad Cow, Bird Flu, West Nile or Ugg Boots, because they are not cute, something will always be the end of us. Let me qualify that last statement: You might be cute, which would cause someone to tell you they are, but they are not. Please stop with them.  I have no idea how I got here! There is huge difference between concern and panic. Maybe if Chicken Little says the sky is falling, you should take an umbrella with you rather than build a bunker and stock up on canned goods and ammo. Just saying!

That’s all for this edition. I’d say see you next week, but let’s be honest…… consistency isn’t a strong point for me. If you liked it, tell a friend or all of them. If you hated it, tell someone you dislike. I’m good with a revenge type thing.

Half Truths That I Fully Believe

I promise I am not going to dwell of the fact I have a kid every blog. That being said, every parent believes their child is brilliant. Mine of course actually is. He's a genius for the most part. I'm amazed at his problem solving capabilities and the way he manipulates a situation to his advantage. Everytime I think he couldn't get any smarter........I catch him chewing on the couch. Other than that he's perfect.

I don't believe in karma, I believe in douchebagonomics. You see karma doesn't explain why good people have bad things happen to them. It is for this reason I simply cannot buy in. Douchebagonomics on the other hand makes sense! It's the belief that bad things happen but some people have it coming. Like if you yell at your waiter/waitress because your food is not cooked to perfection, they will spit or much worse on your perfectly cooked food. You see, first off, the waiter/waitress did not cook your food, plus there is a way to talk to people. If you intentionally park taking up two or more spaces some one will key your car. If you bring a girl over to a friend's house and she leaves a used tampon in the basement, and you don't come get it in the designated timeframe, that same friend will come over and decorate your car with tampons dipped in hot sauce until you come get it. The last one I actually had to do, but that is a whole different story. You get the point, right?

I find that it is impossible to listen to Billy Idol with out doing his signature lip curl. I have no idea why every time I hear White Wedding or Rebel Yell I have to sing it in the same style Billy does. Trust when I say, in this case, imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery, maybe the sincerest form of battery. I then realized the lip curl I'm stealing from Billy is actually the lip curl he stole from Elvis. Then I thought well Elvis stole black people's music so he probably had it coming. Trust me, that's not racist I asked my friend Antoine and he said "That's not racist, it true. Elvis stole from Chuck Berry." So not only is that funny, but historically accurate. Holla back.

In my house the toilet seat is a bone of contention. I feel that if I was nice enough to lift it, it shouldn't be an issue for you to put it down. Jen believes she should ignore me every time I say that. Honestly I could just aim through the seat and trust my aim. I think it's valid as an argument! One day Caden will be using that bathroom and I'm sure his aim will be lacking. Maybe I'm a visionary. Yeah, that probably it!

That's it for today. If you loved it, let me know or tell a friend. Yes, I'm pandering for viewers! If you hated it, keep it to yourself. You're opinion doesn't matter!

Parenthood and the Olympics

Long time no speak! So what's new........ Oh yeah, I'm a parent. That's a small change of pace. What have I learned you ask? You get two reactions when you announce that you are expecting. You get the over optimistic "Oh you'll be the best parents ever. You'll love it, it's all cotton candy and hugs!" or you get the extreme pessimists "You have no idea what you are getting into. You'll never sleep again!". The truth is it's somewhere in the middle.What is it like? The first great revelation happened at the hospital when I realized not only were they going to let me take this baby home, they where going to make me take it home. That's right they were going to make me take this person I just met, and doesn't speak English, home. We spent the whole first week making sure he was breathing because we were pretty sure he was just going to stop. That's the crazy thing as a parent, you fear the irrational! Like the other day. I had to pee but Caden would not let me set him down without screaming. I thought maybe I can hold him and pee. A thought then crossed my mind "what if I drop him in the toilet?". I mean a cell phone is bad enough, but it's not like I can tell Jen "It's ok, we got the insurance on him.".The only time it is acceptable for your baby to end up in the toilet is if you are on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. So here is where I chose to violently derail. I'm watching the Olympics and I realize that I, like most people, know nothing about gymnastics. It's all chaos. The only thing I know, which I feel makes me an expert and fully capable of judging this sport, is if they stick the landing! That's right, the landing. We all know that! I can't tell the amount of twist or flips  or other gymnastics related words, but I can tell you about the landing. Diving is similar in principal with splash being the deciding factor. A pike, to me, is a fish with teeth. I do know what a cannon ball is but I'm pretty sure it goes against the whole splash factor. Here's my pretty bow. Parenting is like gymnastics to me. We have no clue what we are doing most of the time. It can all be confusing and chaos! Just remember this; we are not judged on anything during the routine, we just have to stick the landing (with little splash since I brought up driving). It's the Parenting Olympics or the Parolympics. And no I'm not proud :)!

MAN: Man's Best Friend

The other night I was watching TV. What I was watching is irrelevant, plus I have no idea. I was in that trace where you’re just staring at the large glowing object in front of you. (Derailing after one sentence has to be a record for me) Through my glaring fog I heard “Men are dogs”. I have to admit that is a true statement! Not as in men are scum, but as in men are incapable of taking care of themselves and should not be left alone or they might destroy the couch. You see the truth is we are very loyal to anyone who will feed us and pay attention to us. I am the greatest example of this. I was 26 when I got married and I’m sure you’ve all heard the expression you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Well you can, it’s just much harder. Before I get to deep into this blog there are some things I should tell the first time readers: I give a crap about sentence or paragraph structure. All blogs start with a general topic and go where ever they feel like. I do not do a rough draft! I simply sit down and what comes out comes out. Alright where were we? Ah yes! Should not be left alone, old dog new tricks. You see men have the edge on logic when it comes to emotion; we just don’t logic on our side in many other categories. When I pull a shirt out of the dirty clothes and wear it and Jen confronts me, I have the same look on my face our dog has when I ask him why he got into the garbage. Further more why can’t I figure out that I should wear a clean shirt out and a dirty shirt to paint in. Every woman reading this just said “Amen”. Not enough evidence? Here is a list of the things I thought before I was married:

1) The microwave is for cooking food only! Reheating is The Mans way of keeping food from your mouth for literally 30-40 seconds.
2) Dishes only need be washed when they need to be reused. Unless you deem them "clean enough". Then run water and reuse!
3) Laundry has very similar rules that apply. You are allowed one Febreze and dryer session before it truly needs to washed (pending stains).
4) Vacuum should be run once a month or if a female, who is not your sister, is on her way over.
5) A shower is needed only once every other day, unless sports are involved.
6) I lifted the seat! If that is not good enough I could try to aim through the seat. For all those keeping score Jen will not acknowledge me when I say that. Not once in 9 years.
7) Refrigerator edicate say if it smells good eat it. If it's questionable act as if you just took a bite then say to your buddy “does this taste alright to you?" This allows you to get an opinion without the risk.
8) Yard work is not just a four-letter word. It is two back to back. Ask yourself what would your mother want you to do.
9) Hooter’s sauce is a condiment…..and a dip……..or a marinade!!!!
10) A penny saved means we’re getting pizza tonight.
That’s right ladies men are dogs! And true some dogs can’t be trusted, but that’s more the exception to the rule. While we on the subject most men, like dog, come in breeds. There’s the little yippy dog man that is so insecure he never shuts up and tries to hump your leg all day. There’s the bark is worse than my bite dog man, there’s the lap dog man, there’s the pack dog man, etc……. What amazes me is the lucid thought process of a woman who clearly see’s the “Beware of Dog” sign and thinks “Oh he won’t bite me”. Here is my best advice to women: Find the breed that best suits your needs, be patient and take the time to properly train him, and give him lots of praise. If you do this I promise you will have a companion for life.