One step closer Two steps back aka the Paula Abdul Theory

You know every week I find something that just absolutely entertains me and this week is no different. First I'd like to share some reactions to my blog. My loving wife asked me if I'd ever thought of using a paragraph format. The answer is I've tried but due to the fact my train of thought often derails it's not very conducive to organized paragraphs. Another has told me to try stand up comedy on an open mic night. I have thought about trying my hand at stand up comedy, but I'm more of a banter kinda guy. I never really remember the crap I say so I don't know if I'm organized enough to pull off stand up. What struck me this week, you ask? I've been pondering the words of one of our generations greatest philosophers, Paula Abdul and her Theory of Opposites Attract. I understand the functionality of it, but not the magnetic draw. What makes us say "wow that person is nothing like me I want to be with them". The reason I ask this question is simple for those that know me and Jen. For those of you who don't, let me explain. We are polar opposites! For example if someone rang our doorbell and I didn't know who it was, I wouldn't move much less think about it. If some one so much as stops in front our house Jen wants to know their intentions. Jen watches our bank account daily to monitor any activity. I never kept a check register. I used to party like a mad man. Jen always stayed sober to drive her friends home safely. I drive fast and listen to a lot of death metal. Jen drives slow and listens to mainly country. Jen is very politically correct. Not for the reason of not offending others, but because she really is that nice and positive. In fact she once told me that 90% of the things I say are offensive. Illustration made right? This seems to be applicable whether it's with a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend or just a friend. Obviously people who are so similar in all aspects could not coexist. If Jen and I were both talkers neither would be listening. So is there such a thing as a double positive? Being I'm the talker, I couldn't call it a double negative. But what are we drawn to? I'm guessing part of it is we know our faults better than our strengths. That would make sense that some one who had something we knew we lacked would seem interesting or even compelling. Could be we don't always see the difference between personality traits and common interests. Or maybe the power of core values is what brings us together. Core values being religion, politics and family. I don't think I'll ever truly understand it, but there is one thing I do know. As the years go by those differences start to blend into similarities. I find myself being slightly more organized. I mostly get the garbage out on time (in an Eric Cartman voice) "Mostly". I pick up a little better after myself. I'm not sure these aren't tricks you can't teach a dog, but I never said men were that deep. And for Jen I find her completing some of my wildly inappropriate statements or at very least laughing at them. She has slowed down on her mother to the world attempts. All of this pales in comparison to what I'm about to tell you though. The way I truly knew we were on our way to becoming similar, was the day I came home from work and found my dear sweet, innocent and nurturing wife playing Grand Theft Auto 4. I walked in and smiled.................... Then realized she was driving on the sidewalk trying to mow pedestrians down. I thought to myself "That's my girl".

Bath & Body Qwirks

This week I am excited to tell you all about an anomaly I witnessed. It was Friday and Jen I were on our way to Best Buy. I will not tell you why. OK - so I’m a nerd and need a Bluetooth head set so I can play Call of Duty 4 online. All right I said it and I feel better. Stay with me I’m going somewhere I promise. Jen tells me she needs to go to Bath & Body Works. Now those of you who live in Decatur know the proximity of our glorious mall (which contains Bath & Body Works) and Best Buy. For those of you who do not, only four lanes of traffic separate the two. I tell you this to explain my no leg to stand on excuse for saying yes. First off who creates Bath & Body scents? My guess is stoners. They come up with stuff like Lilac Jasmine Raspberry Strudel. Only someone high could pick two flowers and a pastry. Ok so that’s an exaggeration, but you get my point! I will never go in there with her. I stand about 20 feet from the entrance and wait. As I take my position I notice a guy standing about my same distance from the entrance. I love to people watch! I always look to see if people are married and study the way they relate to each other. This guy was sporting gold on the left ring finger. Then I watched one by one as all married men split from their wives as they enter the store. As if the entrance way was an invisible fence and that ring was going to shock them if they cross the threshold. At one point five of us looked on as our wives browsed the store. Now the ring thing is actually important to my story because notably two males were in the store while I patiently waited. Neither of them had a ring on either hand. Now one of them looked to be making an attempt to escape and later did. This made me wonder why it is I (and the other married men) would not enter that store. Completely stumped by this question I asked the person who knows me best, Jen. Her first guess was “Small spaces and you hate when people touch you”. That’s a great point I could crawl out of my skin when people I don’t know touch me, but what are the chances that all five suffer from haphephobia. Ok so calling it a phobia is a little over the top, but for dramatic purposes we’ll run with it. I said “Maybe because you spray that crap on me”. “I do not spray that stuff of you. If you sprayed all those things on you you’d leave smelling like a two cent whore.” Direct quote and a beautiful unintentional pun I might add (just add an “s” to cent). Then she might have hit the nail on the head when she said “Probably because there’s nothing in there for you.” Well I can accept that. Then again maybe as husbands all we can do is stand back and watch and pray for the small bag. The guy next to me wasn’t that lucky. With the large bag and a smile she announced “You won’t believe all the money I saved”. It just so happens he was the unmarried escape artist. Me being the five year vet to marriage, I gave him my best advice. I told him laughing hysterically “Never ask what they spent. If she brags about what she saved you don’t want to know”. (Now for my bold Doogie Houser M.D. moment) I think most off us spend our lives figuring out where our place is. I’m not sure I have that figured out yet, but I know it’s not in that store.

The Reality Of Fiction

This is quite a departure from my original blog I will admit. I love doing the myspace blog, but it's what I call Blog Light. And for fear of cunfusing the two I started this. I've noticed that most things that capture my attention, or ire as it might be, are things I've yet to fully invest myself in. The other night I was doing something, I'm sure was very important seeing as I don't remember what it was, when I overheard something about some celeb reinventing himself or herself. Once again due to the lack of investment on my part I have no details for you. Other than I hate that saying! It's right up there with the "I just have to find myself" people. Chances are if you want to find yourself there is a good chance you know where to look, but you also know what you'll find there so it has to be some where else. Lets face it most of our lives don't turn out the way we expected them to. Most of us are not rock stars or athletes or rich. Infact most of our realities don't even slightly resemble our dreams as children. I knew I was going to grow up to be a singer and guitar player in a incredibly famous band. Other than Guitar Hero and some horrific (people praying I roll up my windows) in car performances I never got close. The problem? Well to me it boils down to perception. If you believe in the white picket fence, 2.5 children, Hybrid SUV, with a proud regal canine - brace yourself. Even if you achieve this goal the wind will blow down the fence from time to time. One of your 2.5 kids will accidentally throw a baseball through the window of your SUV and good luck guessing which one. And that proud regal dog is going to wait for you to leave and proceed to sleep on the couch that he knows he is not allowed on. My point? Nothing we experience on this life is perfect. And what we perceive as reality is nothing more than fiction. In fact sometimes I wonder if fiction doesn't have more reality than what we perceive reality as. Atleast most fiction is metaphorically based on reality. If you take people, for example, most who radiate a persona are not what they seem. People who seem "hard" are some of the most broken fragile people. They just can't show vulnerability. People who are in your face selfless can't let you stop looking at them. Arrogance is usually a patch for insecurity. Ok so back to my point. I think I had one! Oh yes you can't just overcome genetics and years of behavior overnight. You see I'm laid back and to a fault. Now I can work on, for lack of a better word, being more affected by events or actions, but I will never be intense. We are what we are! We can always improve ourselves or our situations, but we'll always be who we are. I'm happy! I love my wife and my dog, and by the way he waits til I leave and sleeps on the couch that he is not allowed to get up on. I'm not a rock star, but thanks to Guitar Hero for a couple hours a night I get to rock. I'm not a star athlete but I play basketball with the guys once a week. In the famous words of Mic Jagger " You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.". Here is a challenge - be responsible for your own happiness. And remember a little fiction helps to alter ones reality. Oh and when I was 9 I was hitting rocks with a wiffle ball bat and knocked out a window in my dads brand new Mazda RX7. Oh and did I mention that was a week after I accidentally through a tennis ball through a window at our house. Well it happens I guess. Let me know what you think on my myspace page. Til next time. Tha D