Bath & Body Qwirks

This week I am excited to tell you all about an anomaly I witnessed. It was Friday and Jen I were on our way to Best Buy. I will not tell you why. OK - so I’m a nerd and need a Bluetooth head set so I can play Call of Duty 4 online. All right I said it and I feel better. Stay with me I’m going somewhere I promise. Jen tells me she needs to go to Bath & Body Works. Now those of you who live in Decatur know the proximity of our glorious mall (which contains Bath & Body Works) and Best Buy. For those of you who do not, only four lanes of traffic separate the two. I tell you this to explain my no leg to stand on excuse for saying yes. First off who creates Bath & Body scents? My guess is stoners. They come up with stuff like Lilac Jasmine Raspberry Strudel. Only someone high could pick two flowers and a pastry. Ok so that’s an exaggeration, but you get my point! I will never go in there with her. I stand about 20 feet from the entrance and wait. As I take my position I notice a guy standing about my same distance from the entrance. I love to people watch! I always look to see if people are married and study the way they relate to each other. This guy was sporting gold on the left ring finger. Then I watched one by one as all married men split from their wives as they enter the store. As if the entrance way was an invisible fence and that ring was going to shock them if they cross the threshold. At one point five of us looked on as our wives browsed the store. Now the ring thing is actually important to my story because notably two males were in the store while I patiently waited. Neither of them had a ring on either hand. Now one of them looked to be making an attempt to escape and later did. This made me wonder why it is I (and the other married men) would not enter that store. Completely stumped by this question I asked the person who knows me best, Jen. Her first guess was “Small spaces and you hate when people touch you”. That’s a great point I could crawl out of my skin when people I don’t know touch me, but what are the chances that all five suffer from haphephobia. Ok so calling it a phobia is a little over the top, but for dramatic purposes we’ll run with it. I said “Maybe because you spray that crap on me”. “I do not spray that stuff of you. If you sprayed all those things on you you’d leave smelling like a two cent whore.” Direct quote and a beautiful unintentional pun I might add (just add an “s” to cent). Then she might have hit the nail on the head when she said “Probably because there’s nothing in there for you.” Well I can accept that. Then again maybe as husbands all we can do is stand back and watch and pray for the small bag. The guy next to me wasn’t that lucky. With the large bag and a smile she announced “You won’t believe all the money I saved”. It just so happens he was the unmarried escape artist. Me being the five year vet to marriage, I gave him my best advice. I told him laughing hysterically “Never ask what they spent. If she brags about what she saved you don’t want to know”. (Now for my bold Doogie Houser M.D. moment) I think most off us spend our lives figuring out where our place is. I’m not sure I have that figured out yet, but I know it’s not in that store.