Ramblings and Rants

First of all, I would love to say thank you for all the comments on the last blog. It was amazing to feel all the love you have for me and Jen. I can only hope you all know the love we have for all of you. I do however have mixed feelings about the fact I can admit to a squeegee collection with not a single mention of that from the peanut gallery. It's like as a collective group you all said "It's Deaton....... Yeah that makes sense". I guess with all the information I've dealt in the last three installments I have failed to mention that I consider myself to be a closet intellectual. Which just means I will not start a deep meaningful conversation, but if one is brought to me I'll indulge. Here lies my next confession, I'm an Internet whore. I love to read opinion articles. Not to help shape my ideals though, I prefer to sit in my glass house for a few moments and chuck boulders. I don't know if you are aware of this but we are surrounded by stupid people with a voice. I read one today blaming the shooting at Toy-R-Us during Black Friday on the recession. Now if this was two women fighting over the last of the food for their hungry families I could understand that assumption. On the other hand if a woman busts a cap in another woman over a Polly Pocket, (or what ever the craze is this year) I'm pretty sure a weak economy didn't cause that. Greed??? Yeah!!! Chemical imbalance??? Maybe! Inbreeding??? Good chance!!! You see I'm guessing by that ideology if the stock market was up Mrs. Quick Draw Mcgraw doesn't feel she needs the nine mil for her trip to Toys-R-Us. Then enter my next point the Toys-R-Us was in California and the Wal-mart was in New York. I know you're asking what does that have to do with anything? You live with the crazies you deal with the consequences. I don't go to tractor pulls because I don't like camo, Pabst Blue Ribbon, or hooking up with family members. I don't go to California because I don't want to die for Mario Cart.

This brings me to my next question. Does anybody actually care about the Grammy's or any award show anymore? It's like a celebration of who could produce the most consistent mediocre crap. Paul McCartney and James Taylor for best male vocal? Name one song either has sung since 1990. If you really want to laugh take a look not only at the categories, but at the acts chosen. http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20081204/en_top_eo/71618;_ylt=AiJhXgLx859co5yI9k1jJQ1xFb8C). Metallica is up for best rock instrumental, best rock song, and alternative album of the year. Of course that should naturally put Coldplay, The Eagles, and Radiohead in hard rock and The Mars Volta in the metal with Motley Crue? Motley Crue is up for an award? I am so confused!!! I actually believe this might have more to do with gun fire than the recession. First off I think you should have to listen to the music before you find a category or even nominate it for an award. Second on my list is shouldn't you have a panel of experts in each specific category to pick nominees and choose a winner? I think the new Coldplay sucks out loud, but I won't pretend that's my favorite type of music (evidently I don't care much for hard rock?) so how can I judge it. I just don't live in a world where if you are harder than The Eagles you're metal. Maybe I should also mention James Taylor is up for best dance recording. And the winner in the category of Award Show with a their head so far up their anal cavity they have indigestion is.................. The Grammy's!

Fine I'll admit it, I'm a little high strung. It is the holiday season. The time for giving, the time for families to come together, and the time in which random people pack like sardines into shopping centers. What does all this mean? That's right loads of complete strangers touching me! I have no germ issues, just personal space issues. Don't worry though I don't own a gun. This time of the year brings out the best in all of us! It leaves me with the tough questions like: Would I rather that lady let her kid run into me 50 billion times or hear it scream at decibels not imaginable after she smacks it? Is it better to deal with the customer service representative that ignores me or the one that's rude and won't answer my questions? Would I rather be touched by 20 total strangers or watch the Grammy's? (I know I'm random today, but I trying to tie it together. I'd rather walk you in circles than in completely different directions.) Instead I had an eppifany! I am making Jen's family Christmas gifts this year. I am still going to go out and shop for her! Just think about how much fun it would be if you didn't have to fight the crowds and got to do something creative. How much more relaxing and enjoyable would this time of year be if didn't have to compete in what are they getting me what should I get them genre. Instead you could just have fun with each other. I'll end with a little story. Last year at Christmas (and you know who you are) some friends of ours come over because we had bought gifts for their child. When they arrived they enter our house with a gift in their hands. All I could think of was crap they didn't have to get us anything. We hadn't bought for them just their child. I can't tell you the relief and enjoyment I got from their gift of slippers.

Deaton The True Non-Hollywood Story

PART III: THE CONCLUSION

So here we are it's 1999 and my life is just about to do a one eighty on me. You see the last three years had been fairly turbulent. I was engaged for a short time. Which was one of the most chaotic relationships I've ever had and trust me it ended with a bang! In her defense she was later diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and without this relationship I don't meet Tiffany. After the big bang Tiffany and I became good friends and not long after that I began dating another one of Tiffany's friends. It was a radical departure from my last relationship. I went from someone who couldn't keep her opinion to herself straight to a person with no opinion at all. We dated for a year and then she started dating someone else and that's how that one ended. Looking back on it now I see how bored we both were but at the time it was devastating. During the time we dated I had become close to Brad and Tiffany, but I figured I keep my friends and she keeps hers as the break-up agreement (which was not actually discussed by us as I refused to talk to her after I found out). This was in September of 98 and I think saw them twice in the next year. I know once at Christmas and once during the summer, but I think that's it. I had gone in a new direction. I had new friends, new places to go and old habits to revisit.

With the fall out of my past relationships and friendships Tropical Storm Deaton began to gain strength. It started out slowly though. The first month started with my first tattoo. And for the record not only is it a Smashing Pumpkins album cover it's a man and a woman in a picture frame, which was my reminder I wouldn't always be alone. By the end of that month I could no longer handle feeling that I had given all I had to these things and was left with nothing but betrayal and emptiness. So I did what every self respecting 21 year old does ............... for the next year I got high everyday and on weekends drank myself into a oblivion. Oh and the occasional weekend of hallucinogens. You know the problem with suppressing all your feelings is they don't go away, they just intensify. Honestly I had a lot of great times. I hate to admit it, but I did. I was always the life of the party and people wanted to be around me. All was good, well until I was left alone. Here is the greatest truth I ever learned the only person you can't hide from is you. I could never convince myself that I wasn't lonely or that the people who loved to be around me actually loved me. On the outside I was fine, but on the inside I was becoming a shell of the person I once was. Lonely people generally have two choices they can make. First choice is to become needy. You try to compensate for the lack of effort by the others. The second is to become withdrawn. You pull away to see if they will do the compensating and if not you get to write them off. I'm much better at the second option. So I guess it's not surprising that I didn't see my roommate tail spinning. The end of that era was a party at our house that I was not even in town to attend. It was evidently enough to get us evicted and brings us to September of 1999.

We had two weeks to get out of the house and I did not want to move home. So I did what every great magician does after disappearing, I reappeared. I tracked Brad down and all I said was "Man I have to find a place to live". Brad immediately said " When do you want to move in"? Now these are strange words from a man who is getting married in less than a month, but Tiffany concurred and I moved in. What ensued was pure insanity, but at the same time for me it was the rebirth of my sanity. Let's see where to start? Well I moved most of my belongings into my parents sun room and showed up with just my suitcase full of clothes and my windshield squeegee collection. That's right I said windshield squeegee collection. When I was drunk or high and the person carting me for the night stopped to get gas I'd steal every squeegee from the gas station. Why I don't know, but I probably had hundreds (Brad or Tiffany will have a better estimation). I also never remember doing laundry, though I'm sure at some point I did. They only had two chairs for the kitchen table so I claimed a five gallon bucket as my chair and refused to sit on anything else. I know there are a million stories about the first couple months, I just need a little help with them. I was coming out of a fog at the time. The best analogy I can give you is this, in our youth we often treat our lives as though we are in the movie Speed. We live at such a fast pace for fear that we will miss out on something and the metaphorical bus will explode. However at this point I was forced to slow down and what I discovered is I had never taken time to enjoy anything. I had never just stepped back to see things for what they were. This includes relationships, friendships, things I had been through, but most importantly me. That's when the second tattoo was born. It's a sun with the words "And we all shine on -John Lennon-". It's to remind me that things always get better. It was some time in December I moved out. I knew a young married couple would need space. I was still over there all the time though. In April Tiffany landed a job in St. Louis and moved down there. .Brad stayed to finish classes in Decatur, so I moved back in. Brad and I had pizza or cheese burgers every night, and we drank a lot of beer, and watched a lot of South Park, and played the South Park game on the N64. At the end of the semester Brad was on his way St.Louis, but not before our last big Decatur throw down. That's right my Non EPA bonfire. That night we drank way to much and threw everything we could think of in the fire. My squeegee collection, Pierson's basketball, couch cushions, the recycle bin (which made the worse black smoke), my brilliant idea of bottle rockets, and lots of other stuff. I'm pretty sure I stripped, and I think Brad chased me around the yard with a rake. If I did strip I'm sure I sang to the neighbors too. It was a fitting end to that era, and the beginning of a very different one. Oh and their dog ate everything I owned.

With my best friends gone I was forced into the position I'd always feared, I was alone. Not completely, I had reunited with some friends from high school, but I spent a great deal of time by myself. I think I probably did the most growing during this time. I didn't have much more to work on other than me. I also hadn't really dated in two years so I was starting to get lonely. I knew I would never meet the right person in a bar. I tried that for years and ended up meeting the same girl every night. Plus the fact I had no real social circle left me wondering how I would meet people. Enter Yahoo personals. Lets just say I have always been pretty fond of myself, so it should be no surprise I started of by stating I was an attractive male. Evidently the fact that I referenced myself as a male caught the attention of my future wife. She replied to my ad, in her words, in a sarcastic manor thinking I was some idiot tool bag. Now I say in her words because, be it altered state of mind or ego, I didn't read it that way(then again she is horrible at being mean). So I messaged her back and we ended up hitting it off. Now maybe I should tell you this, if you made a list of our characteristics and traits we most likely never would have come near each other. I'm just saying Jen is pretty straight arrow and my list would have read: Tattooed, multiple ear piercings, pushes the envelope until it can't bend any farther then pushes it again, doesn't do well with being told what to do, doesn't really have a strong respect for rules, he's a mess and everywhere he goes messes follow, oh and he's so laid back you'll need to take his pulse from time to time. And the aforementioned me would have read: very organized, doesn't drink, tends to worry about situations down the road, lives life with structure and guidelines for efficiency, and has a devotion to keeping a clean and well put together living space. I think these differences are most evident in our first date. She only had two rules for me. The first was I had to call before I left (evidently she though she could tell if I was psycho by my voice) and the second was no kissing on the first date. Well I was running behind so I figure why call her she's probable already left. She had also told me about her nice teeth quirk so I was sure to have my bubba teeth in for her first person to person view of me. I think I yelled something from my car with the teeth in as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. Then we ate at Bennigan's in which they loaded her salad with bacon (for those of you who didn't know Jen in the day, she was a hardcore vegetarian) after she had asked for no meat on the salad. She said nothing to me or them not wanting me to think she was high maintenance. Then we go to a mall and walk around. I couldn't get a good read on if she was into me or not so when we went out to the car I open her door and planted one on her. She was so taken by surprise that she stone walled me (stiff lipped). She is my polar opposite and some how my carbon copy. She is the funniest person I know and just like me in that she doesn't think people get her. The funniest thing to me is she says from that night on she knew I was the one. I'm sure I don't say this often enough, but she was right. We dated for three years and have been married for a little over five. The rest is history or I guess the present and future.

Deaton The True Non-Hollywood Story

Part II:The Storm Front

Now when we left our hero he was where??? Ah yes adolescence! Is there truly a more awkward time in our lives than adolescence? I would consider adolescence to start at around 12-13 (depending on if your school is K-8 or a middle school). The time of figuring out what we are and where our place in the social scene is. I spent some time in the "IN" crowd and realized it just wasn't me. Too much effort and conformity goes into that crap. I was just going to be different. The deck was stacked against me. All my classmates are listening to rap and R&B, I'm listening to They Might Be Giants, The Cure, Primus, The Pixies. I'm watching music evolve and no one else sees this! How could anyone understand ME if they couldn't understand this???? (As said in an almost pubescent end-of-the-world voice.) I can still remember my day of epiphany. It was seventh grade everyone was pinch rolling their jeans. Now for those of you too young to know what that is you simply take the very front of your jeans and pull them straight out. Now fold them towards the inside of your leg and then roll the cuff two or three times. I looked down and thought "This looks dumb as hell" and I unrolled them. I know not a big deal right? In a sheep herd mentality, that comes with being in school, the pack will always stay tight til one strays. Now I'm not saying I invented the wheel or I'm such a rebel or even I'm the first to ever stray, but from that day forward I was always just me. I've just always been a loner. Don't get me wrong I have always been entertaining and personable, which gave me the ability to bounce in and out of social groups when I wanted. Perfect for me because I'm a guarded person. I've always felt people don't always get me (unjustly I might add) and I could have surface friends with no true connection. It's funny to me the way I victimized myself because people didn't "Get" me when I wouldn't let them close enough to know me.

I guess not a whole lot to talk about for high school. My freshman year Nirvana killed pop music and all the sheep traded their polo's for flannel. It was so funny because you have these kids who are wearing $90 Ralph Lauren flannels and $80 Guess Jeans with $100 Eastland boots and they were hardcore. Designer grunge what a concept and an oxymoron. I guess if it can be marketed it will. Don't worry though mainstream always over exposes everything it gets its greedy hands on and kills it. By my senior year I partied all the time. My favorite thing was to mess with drunks or stoners. For drunks it was easy. I'd usually do my lung cancer trick. I'd tell them the way you can tell if you have it is to take three drags off your cigarette as fast as you can. After the third drag no smoke should come out. I'd light up take two drags and exhale. Then on the third I'd ash (and you have to ash or you'll blow ash every where) then blow so the cherry glows and exhale again. Naturally no smoke. That would freak them out for hours and all night I'd get "Do it again". For stoners I'd go with theories. For example I'd start by making the statement that dogs are smarter than humans. Which is easy to defend sober but high not so much. That would generally be dismissed fairly easily. So I would add "Sure they have physical limitations we don't have, but they are clearly smarter". Then I'd throw a bunny up like "If you want someone to take care of you play dumb right?". The first rule to debating an irrational thought is to get them emotionally invested by letting them win the first few arguments. Clearly you could say "If you are dumb you don't have to act." I'd give them one or two more statements they could win (depending on the investment level - they have to be fully invested for it work). Then I'd drop the bomb and the conversation almost always went like this" If you say sit what does your dog do?". "He sits" they would respond." When your dog barks what do you do"? Most of the time the answer was a blank stare. Then the final set up "So the dog understands you, but you don't understand it?". Now every once in a while I'd get a feisty one that was not going out like that and they'd say "Because they don't speak a language". Then the nail in the proverbial coffin. "Then how do they understand each other"? Now like I said sober that's easy to defend. I once had a friend tell me " You are the intersection of genius and insane". I asked him "Which road would you name after me". He answered "Exactly". Oh yeah I was a nationally rated long distance runner blah blah blah. Tore up my ankle blah blah blah. No more college scholarships blah blah blah. Supposed to walk with a limp, but instead can do full impact blah blah freakin blah! I don't know that we really need the long version of that. I'm better at self deprecating (in a fun way) than bragging. I honestly don't believe anything from high school had a profound impact on my life, but the years following certainly would.

For the next four years of my life I was Hurricane Deaton I say hurricane because it was a constant cycle of chaos to calm then exploding back into chaos. I would actually contribute this in part to the fact that I internalized everything. So all it took was a break-up or sometimes even just a bad day to start the swirling motion, throw in a little self-pity and a dash of self-loathing and I'd become a category 4 in no time. Drinking heavy on week nights, setting up dates then disappearing, being a douche bag in general forcing my friends to clean up my mess. Well my true friends that is, I had a few that were like my warm gulf waters. Now lets get a few things straight before I move on. First of all these outbursts would occur for a few months of the year. I'd be in a relationship for six months spin out for two months get it together for 3 months spin out for 2 weeks. A tail spin never ended a relationship, but was the result of one ending. The length depended on how long it took to be miserable enough to get my act together. Number two I never missed a day of work or lost a job or even had my work suffer. From 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. I was a contained blast. Finally unless you were physically caught up in the destruction you'd never have a clue. I was the same funny, entertaining, and seemingly easy going person unless you were mostly Phil Davenport then you had to do more work than F.E.M.A. to smooth the waters. The turning point you ask me? My father one day looked at me and said "You know you can be a victim all your life or one day you'll wake up and realize you're responsible for your own happiness.". WOW until that day I could blame everyone else for my all my problems and sorrows, but with that reality I could only have one conclusion. Though I may not be responsible for causing all my problems I was responsible for how I handled them.

I know this was not the light hearted look into me, but every True Hollywood Story has to have it's climax or moment of clarity. This was mine. Next time will be the finale as well as the most entertaining of the three. If you have any stories you want to hear leave them in the comments. You could even read the comments on the last blog and suggest one if you want. You could even just tell me you laughed your butt off at skinny Brian. That's all for now,but I will leave you this week with some random facts about me.

• I burst into song all the time - most of the time it's my own lyrics and rhythm.



• I think apart from work I rarely use my normal voice. Between Lennon's voice ( I often narrate his thoughts), my I'm explaining myself voice (like I forgot to close the fridge, clean the stove, take out the garbage, etc.) and singing random thoughts and sentences.



• I love mini golf but I always take the blue golf ball so I can kick the hell out of a dead horse.



• I appreciate a good cigar, but I can't stand wine.



• I will not drink Pepsi.



• Hello my name is Brian and I am kind of a tech geek.



• I grew up on video games and continue to grow with them.



• I would rather be at home than any where else on Earth.



• I am a slob, yet I get mad if the toothpaste is not squeezed from the bottom.



• I will leave anything in the yard if I see a snake near it (and we only have garden snakes).



• And Brad and Tiffany have over 100 reasons why I will never be left alone with their child.

Brian Deaton - The True Non-Hollywood Story

This week I decided to try to merge the two poll answers into one. Being as I had seven votes how could I afford to alienate 15% of my readers? I do at very least know that seven people read this so that's cool. If I had just six words to describe me the first three would be "I'm a mess". I have ADD. I do not have the bounce off the wall kind, I have the stare at the wall kind. This is the best way I can describe it. Image your brain moving at a pace so fast you can't focus on one task then throw in the Swedish Chef as your own personal filing specialist. The result? I have an extremely quick wit, but have no idea where any thing I own is. Such as keys, wallet, Ipod, coffee cup, my mind. You know - the basics. And I know right now Tiffany Watts is picturing when I lived with them and, on occasion, would just start flinging things and saying " Erdin Flurdin Jerdin Burdin". This just came to me. Isn't it kinda crazy no body ever got pissed about the Swedish Chef? If Sesame Street had a Chinese character called the Asian Chef who cooked on a table in front of you, threw knives around and said things like "Ching Chang Chong" people would flip. Which brings me to my last three words "but I'm fun". Anyone who has spent more than two hours with me probably has a story about me. Anyone who has lived with me (or known me for years) won't know which one to start with. I'm one of those people who you meet for the first time and feel like you've known them all your life. This got me to wondering what do people not know about me.

Where to start? I guess with the basics. I am the oldest of two. I was born in 1977, I weighed 7lbs and 7oz, and was the 7th grandchild on the Deaton side (also the 7th boy). Before I could even speak I would tell jokes. Seriously at like 6 months I would mutter random sounds pause then laugh. I spoke my first words at 9 months. I know you're thinking "Momma" or "Dadda", but you'd be wrong. My dad was eating a sandwich and I crawled up on him and said "Bite bite please please please" further proving me to be a Deaton (we love food). By a year old I spoke in close to sentence form, but being the laid back person I am I didn't care to walk. And not that I couldn't walk it was just easier and faster to crawl and I was lazy (funny when you consider I ended up as one of the top distance runners in the country). At the age of 4 my dad took me to Venture (for those of you not from the mid-west or younger than 25 it was a department store). I was always an easy to get along with kid and the rule was if you are absolutely wonderful while shopping you get a little something at the end. So he decided to get me a new record (yes vinyl I'm old). He's thinking Smurfs, I'm thinking Billy Joel-Glass Houses. It's the one with "Still Rock and Roll to Me", "You May Be Right", and "Don't Ask Me Why". Well long story short I begged until he broke. Now God Bless the man who for the sake of rock and roll takes one for the team because I know it wasn't fun to explain to my mother why he just bought their preschool child a rock album. On a stranger note imagine your 4 year old walking around your house singing " You may be right. I may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic your lookin for". After that they couldn't keep me away from their records or the record player. 27 years later I have 3 of those 300 Cd cases full of Cd's and a few easy to carry cases full. Thank God for Ipods!

Growing up I basically had one friend. It wasn't because I didn't make friends easily, but because I only needed one. He lived right across the street. We were basically the same person. We had all the same interests and loved all the same things. We used to make movies that consisted of music videos and talk shows. In fact I still have them and no you can't see them. The nice thing about being a boy is if you get into a fight one just knocks the other out and it's over. It's part of the great divide. Girls will try to destroy each others lives and boys will make each other eat grass. The other part (of the great divide) being that a woman will look in the mirror and become distraught over one ear being an eighth of an inch higher than the other. A man, no matter what physical shape or size, will get out of the shower look in the mirror, flex, and say "HELLS YEA". On the opposite side of the spectrum women will freely speak of their feelings every chance they get and men are afraid of their feelings. Now I know this is a stereo-type but have I ever told you I LOVE STEREO-TYPES. The reason being no they are not always true, but most of the time they are right on. People don't just make this stuff up. Now I can't speak for the female perspective, but I would consider myself an expert on internalization. I think as boys we are taught to not show emotion because it is a sign of weakness. And that manifests as we get older turning us into time bombs. Now I know we are all damaged in our own precious ways and have walls and defenses. The difference is women can bring it to the surface. Women get visually upset or call a friend, with a man it just comes out. We keep shoving it in and in and in until it just comes out. That's why we have the blank face then with no warning flip out. We're just trying to stay numb. I am the king of internalizers. You'll almost never see me as any thing but happy. Now that is a slightly misleading comment because I am an extremely easy going happy person. It's just if there is something wrong no one would know. I take that back Jen would. She'd look at me and say "Why you being fake?" and be persistent enough to get an answer. I have found a medication for me (I just can't go with cure). It's actually pretty simple. It's music. If I am down and need to allow myself to feel I play Ryan Adams or some old school Pumpkins and sing the words as they were mine. If I am frustrated and need to blow off steam it's Dillinger Escape Plan, System of a Down, Parkway Drive etc. If I need to cheer up it's Marley, They might be Giants, The Beatles, Dylan etc. Now I love all music and it's not always therapy. I listen to a lot of metal, but trust me I'm not frustrated that often. How could I be? I have a wonderful wife who proofreads all I write. A dog, well I don't actually know what he does but I still love him and great friends. But we haven't gotten that far in the story yet. Part two coming soon. Feel free to post any stories you have in the comments or just say "Hey". Tiff I expect some good stories from you.

Be different! Just like us.

First things first. I have had this blog done for over a week, but it's just not up to my standards. After a week of thinking I just figured it is what it is . So here it is


So yeah . . . no I am not addressing StriperGate in this blog. I will however say it was 10 years ago and I did not do anything inappropriate with her or have any contact with her beyond that night other than to tell her not interested. And for my cousin I have no comment about cats named Pachina or Jim Beam and Hornsbys Draft Cider, but that was a camp fire I will never forget. If you have any confusion as to why I made these statements check the comments from my last blog. Now onto the story at hand. You may have to read this a few times to grasp what I'm about to say. I know I did. These days people who want to be "different" are all the same. In fact a person who would say "I want to be just like the herd" would be more unique than the people who actually are trying to be "different" by the fact they are admitting they seek acceptance. And the only way to truly be "different" is to be true to yourself. Please believe I live in no glass house. I don't even have a glass trailer. Maybe it's a glass hut, but every one of my rants is more to remind me of who I am or who I want to be. So believe, as I chuck rocks some are coming right back at me. Where to start????? Alright if you have a tattoo you are not different. Now if you actually know what it means or if it has some meaning you're a little less ordinary. Your favorite band doesn't count for males and for you women Juicy in Chinese doesn't count either. Now I have two tattoos and no they do not make me special. Both have a lot of meaning to me, but they are not for anyone but me. In fact I'd bet about a hand full of people actually know what they mean to me. That doesn't make me different just unable to share my feelings. Anything you buy at American Eagle, Hollister, Aeropostal, Abercrombie (though I'm not sure if that last one dates me), so on and so on will not make you different. Shaggy or spiked hair will not make you different. Etnies, Nike, Adidas will not make you different. Intentionally swimming against main stream isn't different. It's antagonistic. And now to make my first comment make sense...................................... DIFFERENT ISN'T AN OUTSIDE THING!!!!! If you depend on a look to make you different - give up. Because no matter what you come up with people will copy it. We are all sheep and that's why we have fads. What no one can copy is who you are! So the only real way to be different is to be true to YOU. The thing all of you should know and I know I've not told you this is (and please forgive my random thought process today) I love to be right! So much so that I will internally debate all my random thoughts to prove to me I'm right. I only tell you this because I felt this idea was sooo after school special that I tried to poke holes in it. Not only did that not work but it consummated the idea. Think about it. Why are we attracted to our wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc? Sure at first it's looks, but have you ever had someone open their mouth and ruin it for you? I actually had a girlfriend (who was driving with me in the passenger seat) ask me "Your left or mine?". We didn't make it through that night. You're not drawn to someone because of the way they look. You might lust after some one because of their looks, but that's another topic for another day. So here is my challenge find one thing you love about yourself and one thing you want to work on or you could be different just like everyone else. Anyone who wants to make a comment feel free. If you are not a member of blogspot if you look there is an option for anonymous or if you'd rather my myspace is fine to message me. I am posting a pole at the bottom of the page please vote. Oh and Brad you are no less PC than me. You just have no filter.

Evolve! Everyone's doing it.

So prolific isn't always my thing. I have to admit I go through periods of high inspiration and periods of blah. I guess being a person who rarely wants to leave his home isn't very conducive for consistent material. So where to begin.......Ok so Friday night I went out with my brother-in-law on his 21st birthday. Maybe I should side note this with I haven't been to a bar in????? Ok you got me. I don't know, but I'd guess closer to years than months. Bars have nothing to offer me other than an embarrassing look into what a douche I used to look like. If I'm gonna throw down give me a group of friends at a private location and music I want to listen to or a Wii. I'm old and have lost my sense of drunken adventure. Back to Friday night. So we get picked up by a limo and head to a bar (for you that are regional I'll give a bit more info Cruisin's on Farmington Rd Peoria,IL). Now the first thing you have to do when you walk into a bar is check out your surroundings. Guess what I see? Sausage fest 2008! Now I tell you this not because I wanted to check out the girls (I am married and happy), but because this is important to the story. And I'm not joking about Sausage fest. It's like a 10 to 1 ratio. Which is always interesting because that causes one of the most unique situations in male behavior. Like a pack of hyenas with no food they begin to attack each other every time it's prey comes near. I walk to the bathroom and I see a pack of idiots eyeing a waitress and fighting over which one is going to take her home. Now judging by the fake smile on the waitresses face and the fact no one at the table has thumbs (an evolution joke......monkeys if you need more help) they have no chance. First of all let me give that table of 11 a bit of advise any girl who has worked at a bar, hooters, strip club, etc has heard every one of your sad pick up lines and are not swept away by your vortex of charm. Second of all telling some one how beautiful their eyes are is third date material (you know after you've proven you have a personality) and only works when actually looking at their eyes. Which would be approximately 18" north of this Casanovas eye shot. The waitress smiles and walks off prompting him to tell the rest of the pack she wants him. They begin to tear him a part limb from limb and after a few seconds the whole table is verbally assaulting each other. And to be honest they all had valid points and should have listened to each other and left that second, gone home and yanked one out. If one of these girls humor you it's cause they want a good tip and they want to see how deep you'll bury yourself while confirming to them they will never meet an adequate mate at a bar. I say this not because I am in any way, shape or form a feminist, (In fact I probably am one of the least PC people I know) but because I am ashamed that that is my genders representation in the bar scene. And I'll be honest I can't say in my day I didn't think every girl wanted me. I can say I was a bit more creative than your typical bang on my chest cause I'm male type. The point is EVOLVE please. If this is our future women are going to dismiss us all together and life will die off. And if women are actually falling for this I pray life on this planet does die off for fear their idiot kids will live near me or my friends.

One step closer Two steps back aka the Paula Abdul Theory

You know every week I find something that just absolutely entertains me and this week is no different. First I'd like to share some reactions to my blog. My loving wife asked me if I'd ever thought of using a paragraph format. The answer is I've tried but due to the fact my train of thought often derails it's not very conducive to organized paragraphs. Another has told me to try stand up comedy on an open mic night. I have thought about trying my hand at stand up comedy, but I'm more of a banter kinda guy. I never really remember the crap I say so I don't know if I'm organized enough to pull off stand up. What struck me this week, you ask? I've been pondering the words of one of our generations greatest philosophers, Paula Abdul and her Theory of Opposites Attract. I understand the functionality of it, but not the magnetic draw. What makes us say "wow that person is nothing like me I want to be with them". The reason I ask this question is simple for those that know me and Jen. For those of you who don't, let me explain. We are polar opposites! For example if someone rang our doorbell and I didn't know who it was, I wouldn't move much less think about it. If some one so much as stops in front our house Jen wants to know their intentions. Jen watches our bank account daily to monitor any activity. I never kept a check register. I used to party like a mad man. Jen always stayed sober to drive her friends home safely. I drive fast and listen to a lot of death metal. Jen drives slow and listens to mainly country. Jen is very politically correct. Not for the reason of not offending others, but because she really is that nice and positive. In fact she once told me that 90% of the things I say are offensive. Illustration made right? This seems to be applicable whether it's with a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend or just a friend. Obviously people who are so similar in all aspects could not coexist. If Jen and I were both talkers neither would be listening. So is there such a thing as a double positive? Being I'm the talker, I couldn't call it a double negative. But what are we drawn to? I'm guessing part of it is we know our faults better than our strengths. That would make sense that some one who had something we knew we lacked would seem interesting or even compelling. Could be we don't always see the difference between personality traits and common interests. Or maybe the power of core values is what brings us together. Core values being religion, politics and family. I don't think I'll ever truly understand it, but there is one thing I do know. As the years go by those differences start to blend into similarities. I find myself being slightly more organized. I mostly get the garbage out on time (in an Eric Cartman voice) "Mostly". I pick up a little better after myself. I'm not sure these aren't tricks you can't teach a dog, but I never said men were that deep. And for Jen I find her completing some of my wildly inappropriate statements or at very least laughing at them. She has slowed down on her mother to the world attempts. All of this pales in comparison to what I'm about to tell you though. The way I truly knew we were on our way to becoming similar, was the day I came home from work and found my dear sweet, innocent and nurturing wife playing Grand Theft Auto 4. I walked in and smiled.................... Then realized she was driving on the sidewalk trying to mow pedestrians down. I thought to myself "That's my girl".

Bath & Body Qwirks

This week I am excited to tell you all about an anomaly I witnessed. It was Friday and Jen I were on our way to Best Buy. I will not tell you why. OK - so I’m a nerd and need a Bluetooth head set so I can play Call of Duty 4 online. All right I said it and I feel better. Stay with me I’m going somewhere I promise. Jen tells me she needs to go to Bath & Body Works. Now those of you who live in Decatur know the proximity of our glorious mall (which contains Bath & Body Works) and Best Buy. For those of you who do not, only four lanes of traffic separate the two. I tell you this to explain my no leg to stand on excuse for saying yes. First off who creates Bath & Body scents? My guess is stoners. They come up with stuff like Lilac Jasmine Raspberry Strudel. Only someone high could pick two flowers and a pastry. Ok so that’s an exaggeration, but you get my point! I will never go in there with her. I stand about 20 feet from the entrance and wait. As I take my position I notice a guy standing about my same distance from the entrance. I love to people watch! I always look to see if people are married and study the way they relate to each other. This guy was sporting gold on the left ring finger. Then I watched one by one as all married men split from their wives as they enter the store. As if the entrance way was an invisible fence and that ring was going to shock them if they cross the threshold. At one point five of us looked on as our wives browsed the store. Now the ring thing is actually important to my story because notably two males were in the store while I patiently waited. Neither of them had a ring on either hand. Now one of them looked to be making an attempt to escape and later did. This made me wonder why it is I (and the other married men) would not enter that store. Completely stumped by this question I asked the person who knows me best, Jen. Her first guess was “Small spaces and you hate when people touch you”. That’s a great point I could crawl out of my skin when people I don’t know touch me, but what are the chances that all five suffer from haphephobia. Ok so calling it a phobia is a little over the top, but for dramatic purposes we’ll run with it. I said “Maybe because you spray that crap on me”. “I do not spray that stuff of you. If you sprayed all those things on you you’d leave smelling like a two cent whore.” Direct quote and a beautiful unintentional pun I might add (just add an “s” to cent). Then she might have hit the nail on the head when she said “Probably because there’s nothing in there for you.” Well I can accept that. Then again maybe as husbands all we can do is stand back and watch and pray for the small bag. The guy next to me wasn’t that lucky. With the large bag and a smile she announced “You won’t believe all the money I saved”. It just so happens he was the unmarried escape artist. Me being the five year vet to marriage, I gave him my best advice. I told him laughing hysterically “Never ask what they spent. If she brags about what she saved you don’t want to know”. (Now for my bold Doogie Houser M.D. moment) I think most off us spend our lives figuring out where our place is. I’m not sure I have that figured out yet, but I know it’s not in that store.

The Reality Of Fiction

This is quite a departure from my original blog I will admit. I love doing the myspace blog, but it's what I call Blog Light. And for fear of cunfusing the two I started this. I've noticed that most things that capture my attention, or ire as it might be, are things I've yet to fully invest myself in. The other night I was doing something, I'm sure was very important seeing as I don't remember what it was, when I overheard something about some celeb reinventing himself or herself. Once again due to the lack of investment on my part I have no details for you. Other than I hate that saying! It's right up there with the "I just have to find myself" people. Chances are if you want to find yourself there is a good chance you know where to look, but you also know what you'll find there so it has to be some where else. Lets face it most of our lives don't turn out the way we expected them to. Most of us are not rock stars or athletes or rich. Infact most of our realities don't even slightly resemble our dreams as children. I knew I was going to grow up to be a singer and guitar player in a incredibly famous band. Other than Guitar Hero and some horrific (people praying I roll up my windows) in car performances I never got close. The problem? Well to me it boils down to perception. If you believe in the white picket fence, 2.5 children, Hybrid SUV, with a proud regal canine - brace yourself. Even if you achieve this goal the wind will blow down the fence from time to time. One of your 2.5 kids will accidentally throw a baseball through the window of your SUV and good luck guessing which one. And that proud regal dog is going to wait for you to leave and proceed to sleep on the couch that he knows he is not allowed on. My point? Nothing we experience on this life is perfect. And what we perceive as reality is nothing more than fiction. In fact sometimes I wonder if fiction doesn't have more reality than what we perceive reality as. Atleast most fiction is metaphorically based on reality. If you take people, for example, most who radiate a persona are not what they seem. People who seem "hard" are some of the most broken fragile people. They just can't show vulnerability. People who are in your face selfless can't let you stop looking at them. Arrogance is usually a patch for insecurity. Ok so back to my point. I think I had one! Oh yes you can't just overcome genetics and years of behavior overnight. You see I'm laid back and to a fault. Now I can work on, for lack of a better word, being more affected by events or actions, but I will never be intense. We are what we are! We can always improve ourselves or our situations, but we'll always be who we are. I'm happy! I love my wife and my dog, and by the way he waits til I leave and sleeps on the couch that he is not allowed to get up on. I'm not a rock star, but thanks to Guitar Hero for a couple hours a night I get to rock. I'm not a star athlete but I play basketball with the guys once a week. In the famous words of Mic Jagger " You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.". Here is a challenge - be responsible for your own happiness. And remember a little fiction helps to alter ones reality. Oh and when I was 9 I was hitting rocks with a wiffle ball bat and knocked out a window in my dads brand new Mazda RX7. Oh and did I mention that was a week after I accidentally through a tennis ball through a window at our house. Well it happens I guess. Let me know what you think on my myspace page. Til next time. Tha D